We All Want the Cheeseburger from Resident Evil 2
It’s okay to admit it. It’s okay to feel this way. I have to admit, occasionally thoughts of the Resident Evil 2 cheeseburger keep me awake at night. I go outside and stand in my yard and cry out at an uncaring god, “Why can’t I have the lovingly modeled 3D cheeseburger from Resident Evil 2?!” Of course, no one answers. The sonorous sound of crickets greets my ears as I sulk back into my home. As I settle in bed, defeated, my wife always says the same thing.
“Quit being dramatic and make the cheeseburger”
I’m a huge fan of cheeseburgers. They’re unhealthy, heavy food that makes you want to lie down and die or take a nap depending on your general health level. They are a comfort food. If no one has you, the cheeseburger has you. They can be good, they can be bad, but they’re always cheeseburgers. I gawk and gasp at YouTube cooking channels that make giant monstrosities; with patties weighing tens of pounds apiece (kilograms for everyone who isn’t American), and they’re always covered in a disgusting amount of cheese. I’m going to let you in on a secret: These days, people focus too much on the cheese. Sure, it’s right there in the name: “cheeseburger”. This has led to a propensity for slathering on ungodly combinations of cheeses that were never meant to be on a burger. Gruyere? Get out of here.
I am a farm boy. Been on a farm my whole life. Will probably die here. One of the upsides of living on a farm – downsides include: terrible internet, no DoorDash, no Uber, no modern civilization – is that we have cattle. The best thing about having cattle, other than seeing them doof around in the fields and do cattle stuff, is that you can eat them. Some people are saying, “No! That’s not how you do it! they’re beautiful animals!” and to that, I say, “Cool. Most people buy beef to make cheeseburgers that were raised in a pen the size of a sad bathroom and never experienced anything but pain before being ground up, packaged, and subsequently marked down and then thrown away because grocery stores overstock everything and throw out a whole bunch of it.”
The cows here on the farm are as happy as cows can reasonably be. They get yearly vaccines, they have 800+ acres to run around in, there’s usually only about 120 at any given time, and they can pretty much do what they want. They live full lives before the butcher comes. These are a lot of words to say I have quality meat, that makes good cheeseburgers. I don’t know who on the Resident Evil team decided that the first few minutes of the Resident Evil 2 remake should contain the world’s tastiest-looking cheeseburger. I’ll break it down for you. Take a look at the picture below, and in the header. I haven’t even added the header yet and I know I’ll be putting some photoshopped picture of the Resident Evil 2 cheeseburger on a pedestal or something.
Look at that thing! You might not like it, but this is what peak delicious looks like. Let’s Reddit sleuth this thing like it’s a disappearance from 1976: You have what looks like a standard fast-food bun. In my state, these are sold wholesale by Sysco, a large good company. They’re nothing to write home about, but they resist sogginess pretty well and thus get used in fast food a lot. No one likes a soggy burger. Then you have, strangely enough, ham. Some people will say bacon, but I say to those people, “look at it! that’s clearly ham!”. After the ham we have some good ol’ fashioned processed cheese. It looks like a Kraft single. Then you have the patty. No wimpy little sad patty, this thing is here to satisfy. At least a 1/3rd pound patty. Just the right amount to get the flavor of the burger without it being overpowering.
Now, I will hazard a guess that this burger isn’t char, or flame, broiled. The telltale dark edges that you would get from charbroiling just aren’t there. It has the uniform almost gray color of a burger cooked on a greasy flat top. It has the sullen look of a burger that didn’t have a grill to itself. It shared this workspace with probably some onions and hashbrowns. A short-order cook probably stared disdainfully at the frozen patty and made it a promise. “I will make you delicious.” a single tear rolls down his cheek and onto the cheeseburger; a clear violation of health and safety regulations. “I will make you beautiful”.
Then we get to probably the biggest sin of this burger: The lettuce. That lettuce looks soggy. I could be wrong. Whoever made this burger knew the rules. Some folks will put the lettuce on top of the patty and that’s just wrong. The heat of the patty wilts lettuce faster than Reddit sleuths fail to solve a disappearance from 1976. This lettuce is underneath everything but still looks wilted. It could be a case of old lettuce, as your local truck stop can’t be expected to have the freshest ingredients. As for condiments…I honestly don’t know. If I were to hazard a guess, again, it would be mayo.
Raccoon City is poised as a kind of midwestern city, and I would expect people in those environs to have a healthy love of the mayo. I would say that whoever modeled this burger was very hungry for a very specific thing that day. If you know who modeled this burger, let me know, and I’ll make sure to Paypal them some burger cash. Do you want the burger? I want to provide you with something better than the burger: The means to make the burger for yourself.
RESIDENT EVIL 2 Cheeseburger
1 lb farm fresh beef (if not available just get the store stuff no judgment)
1 tbsp kosher salt
1 tbsp black pepper
1 tbsp cayenne pepper
1/2 cup worcestershire sauce
1/2 lb Dakin Farm Canadian Bacon
1 head iceberg lettuce
2 slices American cheese
condiments of your choice
Hamburger buns (get the big ones)
Step 1: Take your ground beef and put it in a medium mixing bowl. Add salt, pepper, cayenee, and worcestershire. Mix with stand mixer or with your hands if you’re not squeamish about that.
Step 2: Split meat into two equal sized patties. set on wire wax paper in fridge to cool for about an hour.
Step 3: Cook the patties on medium high heat, 5 minutes on each side until you’ve reached your preferred level of done. After removing the patties from heat, add the canadian bacon to your pan. Cook 3 minutes each side or maybe even a little less.
Step 4: Take the buns and add your condiment of choice. Then add the crispy lettuce, followed by your patty, then cheese, then canadian bacon.
Step 5: Eat that cheeseburger
It’s a very simple recipe and will provide you with the burger of your dreams. It’s just as good, if not better, than a 3D model that I’ve been writing about for over a thousand words.
